My take on Halloween

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DriveThru Whale
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My take on Halloween

Postby DriveThru Whale » 20 Oct 2017, 06:49

The following content contains language that may not be suitable for viewers under the age of 13. Viewer discretion is advised.

Halloween (or RAZOR APPLE DAY, if you're from North East Ohio) is that special time of year we remember the birth of Satan. Due to its demonic origins, people, especially children, are more likely to be killed on this night than at any other time of the year. Because of this, there are many urban legends surrounding Halloween intending to make it even more scary, such as poisoned candy, satanic murders and mannequins which turn out to be genuine corpses. Except these are not stories - they are true.

For anyone not under the age of 16, Halloween is a time to revel in extensive debauchery. It is highly encouraged you get absolutely hammered, wear next to nothing, and vomit on people who have also done the the previous two things.. Since you're an adult now, you can buy as much freaking candy as you want instead of begging from strangers. Some argue the point of halloween is to hand out candy to children, but what have those little monsters done for you lately? If a gaggle of annoyingly small awkward teenagers should appear at your door, put the fear of God into them. This is a completely acceptable practice, as the taunt "Trick or Treat" implies you should trick them. If you treat them, they'll just keep coming back to your house, so avoid handing out free stuff at all costs. Alternatively, you can adopt both approaches. Since brain dead parents are absolutely okay with frightening their children, so long as you speed their inevitable descent into early onset diabetes, take full advantage of the circumstances.

Should you become a professional old person, instead of crashing your vehicle into a tree after too many spiked drinks at a party, you are obligated to decorate your home for the amusement of your neighbors. This is your punishment for being selfish.
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