Awesome Chuck Norris Jokes

[Dr Frook]

1. Chuck Norris does not wear a condom. Because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris.

2. Some people wear Superman pyjamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pyjamas.

3. Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him.

4. Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

5. They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take shit from anybody.

6. If at first you don't succeed, you're not Chuck Norris.

7. Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

8. When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.

9. Chuck Norris doesn't breathe, he holds air hostage.

10. Chuck Norris has counted to infinity. Twice.

[Zados]

Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.


There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.


In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.


The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.


Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.


The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed misserably.


Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down.


Chuck Norris once commented, "There are few problems in this world that cannot be solved by a swift roundhouse kick to the face. In fact, there are none."


Chuck Norris once ate an entire ream of rice paper and shat out origami swans and Mister Miyagi from Karate Kid.


Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.


Chuck Norris is a man of few words. Chuck Norris is not a man of few roundhouse kicks to the face.


The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse actually live in Chuck Norris's nutsack.


When observing a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick in slow motion, one finds that Chuck Norris actually rapes his victim in the ass, smokes a cigarette with Dennis Leary, and then roundhouse kicks them in the face.


Chuck Norris put humpty dumpty back together again, only to roundhouse kick him in the face. Later Chuck dined on scrambled eggs with all the king's horses and all the king's men. The king himself could not attend for unspecified reasons. Coincidentally, the autopsoy revealed the cause of death to be a roundhouse kick to the face. There is only one King.


When Chuck Norris played golf for money, chuck marked down a hole in 0 every time, a pro at the golf club, said to Chuck: "excuse me sir, but you cant score zero on a hole". Chuck Norris turned towards the man and said, im Chuck Norris, the man then proceeded to pour gas over his body and set himself on fire because that would be less painful than getting roundhouse kicked by Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked him in the face anyways.



Chuck Norris made Ellen Degeneres straight.


Chuck Norris kicked Neo out of Zion , now Neo is "The Two"


Chuck Norris' iPod came with a real charger instead of just a USB cord


Chuck Norris knows where Carmen Sandiego is.


Rudolph has a red nose because he got lippy and Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked him across the face several times


China was once bordering the United States, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked it all the way through the Earth.


Chuck Norris is what Willis was talking about


If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.


Chuck Norris sent Jesus a birthday card on December 25th and it wasn't Jesus’ birthday. Jesus was to scared to correct Chuck Norris and to this day December 25th is known as Jesus' birthday.


When Chuck Norris had surgery, the anesthesia was applied to the doctors.


Chuck Norris once broke the land speed record on a bicycle that was missing its chain and the back tire.


Chuck Norris once kicked a baby elephant into puberty


Multiple people have died from Chuck Norris giving them the finger.


Chuck Norris once tried to wear glasses. The result was him seeing around the world to the point where he was looking at the back of his own head.


Pee Wee Herman got arrested for masturbating in public. The same day, Chuck Norris got an award for masturbating in public.


Once a grizzly bear threatened to eat Chuck Norris. Chuck showed the bear his fist and the bear proceeded to eat himself, because it would be the less painful way to die.


If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down


Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris


Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.


Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.


Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always.


A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.


Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.


There is no such thing as tornados. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks.


Chuck Norris never cries, because of this when he's sad he roundhouse kicks himself and it makes him feel better since he knows he is the only one who can survive the roundhouse.


Chuck Norris does not procreate, he breeds


When asked what type of vehicle he drives, Chuck Norris responded slyly with "Don't you mean what kind of vehicle drives me?"


Chuck Norris' evil twin brother, Richard Simmons, once approached Chuck with the hope of reconciliation, but at the sight of Richard's curly, well kept hair, Chuck Norris became so enraged that he turned green with hate and ripped Richard Simmons arms and legs off. This action was the origin of the Marvel Comic badass, The Incredible Hulk.


Chuck Norris doesn't worry about changing his clock twice a year for daylight savings time. The sun rises and sets when Chuck tells it to.


Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.


Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.


Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of “beard”. Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus’ obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.


Chuck Norris used live ammunition during all shoot-outs. When a director once said he couldn’t, he replied, “Of course I can, I’m Chuck Norris,” and roundhouse kicked him in the face.


If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris.


When his martial arts prowess fails to resolve a situation, Chuck Norris plays dead. When playing dead doesn’t work, he plays zombie.


Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.


Scientists used to believe that diamond was the world’s hardest substance. But then they met Chuck Norris, who gave them a roundhouse kick to the face so hard, and with so much heat and pressure, that the scientists turned into artificial Chuck Norris.


God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for super strength roundhouse ability.


When Chuck Norris was denied a Bacon McMuffin at McDonalds because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a KFC.


Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.


A duck’s quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at you, grimly.


Chuck Norris once tried to defeat Garry Kasparov in a game of chess. When Norris lost, he won in life by roundhouse kicking Kasparov in the side of the face.


Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.


Chuck Norris doesn’t believe in Germany.


If you want a list of Chuck Norris’ enemies, just check the extinct species list.


Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.


Chuck Norris doesn’t need to swallow when eating food.


If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win? Chuck Norris.


Chuck Norris eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and poos them out transformed into a robot.


Ironically, Chuck Norris’ hidden talent is invisibility.


Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of spades, and a green number 4 from Uno and a monopoly ‘get out of jail free’ card.


Chuck Norris invented water.


Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don’t be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.

[Zados]

Chuck Norris went looking for a bar but couldn’t find one. He walked to a vacant lot and sat there. Sure enough within an hour an a half someone constructed a bar around him. He then ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place to the ground. Chuck Norris yelled over the roar of the flames, “always leave things the way you found em!”


One time while sparring with Wolverine, Chuck Norris accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by its technical term: Jupiter.


Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker’s real father.


Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.


Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.


Before science was invented it was once believed that autumn occurred when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked every tree in existence.


In the original pilot for Star Trek Next Generation, Chuck Norris can be seen powering the USS Enterprise warp drive with his roundhouse kicks.


Chuck Norris isn’t lactose intolerant. He just doesn’t put up with lactose’s shit.


Chuck Norris doesn’t eat. Rather he kicks ass until he’s full.


Scientists in Washington have recently conceded that, if there were a nuclear war, all that would remain are cockroaches and Chuck Norris.


Chuck Norris once threated to sue Burger King because they refused to make it his way. When asked what “his way” detailed, he replied: “with barbed wire and nails, of course”. He then roundhouse kicked the reporter for even asking.


Chuck Norris never “gets laid”, rather: “laid gets Chuck”.


Playgirl magazine once asked Chuck Norris to appear naked in an issue, Chuck laughed at the opporunity saying “there isn’t enough paper in the world to contain my bearded member”. He then killed the editors simply by unzipping his pants.


Helen Keller’s favorite color is Chuck Norris


Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive erection. There we no survivors.


When Chuck Norris’s wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, “Don’t worry about it honey,” and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, “Never question Chuck Norris.”


Chuck Norris doesnt have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.


When you open a can of whoop-ass, Chuck Norris jumps out.


On June 7th 1994, Chuck Norris entered the same restaurant supermodel Cindy Crawford was eating at. Instinctively, Cindy swept everything off the table, threw herself on it in a fit of lust, and begged Chuck to ravish her. After Chuck finished his beer, he obliged her. When Chuck's magnificent lead sperm cannoned into Cindy's womb it went straight to one of her ovaries and roared, "Which one of you servile wenches thinks you can handle getting split
open by the Chuck!?" All of the eggs cowered in the corner. The same thing happened at the other ovary. "I didn't fucking think so!" shouted the lead sperm which then lead the rest of the troops back into Chuck's balls. Chuck pulled out; roundhouse kicked Cindy in the face and told her, "Don't ever waste my time again."


Chuck Norris can piss into gale force winds.


There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.


Chuck Norris won 'Jumanji' without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living shit out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited.


Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publicly claimed it was
a meteor, and still owes him a beer.


Chuck Norris got a perfect score on his SAT's, simply by writing Chuck Norris for every answer.
Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.


Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.


After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. It was more "humane".


Chuck Norris doesn't see dead people. He makes people dead.


Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then trank three kegs and shat on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife.

Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and I. His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the shit out of viruses. That's why Chuck Norris never gets ill.

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.


PS: Chuck Norris can make posts with MORE than 10000 characters

DOUBLEPOST due to character maximum per post!!!

[Shadow00]

@Zados
You don't share,do you? XD

Anyways:
Chuck Norris can divide by 0

Chuck Norris doesn't ask "who's your daddy" as he already knows the answer.

Chuck Norris has gone to hell. There were no survivors.

The boogeyman always checks his closet for chuck Norris before going to bed.

Chuck Norris once had sex in a truck,and some sperm fell on the engine. The truck is now widely known as "Optimus Prime"

Jesus can walk on water, but Chuck Norris can swim in land.

Chuck Norris once discovered a theory based on "E=m*c(squared)*Chuck Norris. Later however,Einstein took that theory for his own and made it public. Chuck then roundhouse kicked him in the face. Einstein is now called Stephen Hawking.

Chuck Norris has watched "24 hours" in 5 minutes and 24 seconds.

Chuck Norris uses rattlesnakes as condoms.

God is called "God" because "Chuck Norris" was already taken.

A venomous snake once bit chuck Norris. After hours of pain,the snake died.

Chuck Norris lost both his legs in war,but still managed to walk back home.

[Shadowstar1922]

i didn't bother to read them all, coz i got school.

But, if yu didn't get this one, THEN YAY. if you did, you're gonna be a dead man >.>

Chuck Norris doesn't swim, water just wants to be around him.

[bob-jr]

god didnt chuck adam and eve out of eden he got chuck norris to round house kick them out.

[bob-jr]

While Chuck Norris was on holiday in Spain, he ate some bad paella causing him to take the largest shit known to man. That shit is now France.

Chuck Norris once ate an entire watermelon, including the seeds, then grew an entire watermelon patch in his stomach which fed eleven families for six weeks.

In ancient China there is a legend that one day a child will be born from a dragon and vanquish evil from the land. That man is not Chuck Norris, because Chuck killed that man.

If you were to know Chuck Norris' true name, your mind would collapse upon itself.

Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris is unable to send his roundhouse kicks across the fabric of time, however he IS able to perform this action across parallel dimentions and once, just for fun, roundhouse kicked his own ass....

Chuck Norris broke his own leg, purely for the sake of winning the special olympics.

When Neil Armstrong uttered "One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind." on the moon in 1969, he failed to notice Chuck Norris sitting behind him in a lawnchair, a beer in hand, until Chuck Norris gave Armstrong a swift roundhouse kick to the face. Armstrong never returned.

There is a secret plot to clone the greatest Hollywood action movie stars in order to create an unbeatable army. The people behind this plot only need very small samples of DNA to work with. This is why so many action stars have very short haircuts, and some even go to the extent of shaving their heads to prevent the evil fiends from getting such a sample. Chuck Norris is the only one with the balls not only to grow his hair long, but also to cultivate facial hair. When he's feeling particularly cocky, he sends his toenail clippings to the evil syndicate's headquarters with a note: "Just try it, bitches, and I'll kick your asses into next Thursday."

On Valentine's Day, Chuck Norris gives his wife the still beating heart of one of his enemies. Being very romantic, Chuck Norris believes every day should be Valentine's Day.

Scientists believe the world began with the "Big Bang". Chuck Norris shrugs it off as a "bad case of gas".

Chuck Norris let the dogs out.

On Valentine's Day, Chuck Norris gives his wife the still beating heart of one of his enemies. Being very romantic, Chuck Norris believes every day should be Valentine's Day.

Scientists believe the world began with the "Big Bang". Chuck Norris shrugs it off as a "bad case of gas".

Chuck Norris let the dogs out.

Chuck Norris puts the laughter in manslaughter.

Cars were invented to have a faster way of fleeing from Chuck Norris. Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris invented the car accident.

Lightning never strikes twice in one place because Chuck Norris is looking for it.

Before sliced bread, people used to say "Thats the greatest thing since Chuck Norris". But Chuck Norris was displeased by this. So he roundhouse kicked a loaf of bread into slices.

[prophet]

Theres an Order in the world...Space, Time, Chuck Norris...ha ha ha ha jk...chuck norris is first

When Chuck norris was born the only ones who cried were the doctors. dont slap chuck norris.

Chuck norris once went to the Virgin Island's....now they call it the island's.

[beana 9000]

Chuck Norris is so tough,he can lead a horse to water and make it drink.

Chuck Norris is so tough,he can make onions cry.

Spiderman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.

When a meteor hits another planet,it's just Chuck Norris playing baseball.

If there is a tsunami,it's just Chuck Norris cannonballing.

When Chuck Norris digs a hole,he gets to China in 5 seconds.

When you hear about the Kraken,it's just Chuck Norris' pet goldfish.

Chuck Norris is the one who discovered electricity.He found it by roundhouse kicking Benjamin Franklin.

Chuck Norris' pet dog is Cerberus.

[TheKingsHills]

when chuck norris jumps into a river does chuck norris get wet or does the river get chuck norrised

chuck norris built a time machine, went back in time, and roundhouse kicked Albert Einstein back to the future