Awesome Chuck Norris Jokes
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charmie222
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Re: Awesome Chuck Norris Jokes
woooooooow so much giant posts thats alot of writing
Re: Awesome Chuck Norris Jokes
Fear of spiders is arachnaphobia, fear of tight spaces is chlaustrophobia, fear of Chuck Norris is logic.
Once a cop pulled over Chuck Norris, the cop was lucky to leave with a warning.
Chuck Norris has already been to Mars, that's why there are no signs of life there.
Chuck Norris has a grizzly bear carpet in his room, the bear isn't dead, it's just too scared to move.
Chuck Norris died 20 years ago, Death was just too scared to tell him.
There used to be a street named after Chuck Norris, but they changed the name because nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives.
Once a cop pulled over Chuck Norris, the cop was lucky to leave with a warning.
Chuck Norris has already been to Mars, that's why there are no signs of life there.
Chuck Norris has a grizzly bear carpet in his room, the bear isn't dead, it's just too scared to move.
Chuck Norris died 20 years ago, Death was just too scared to tell him.
There used to be a street named after Chuck Norris, but they changed the name because nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives.
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Lamb
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Re: Awesome Chuck Norris Jokes
A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse Kick Delivered By Chuck Norris.
In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed misserably.
Chuck Norris once commented, "There are few problems in this world that cannot be solved by a swift roundhouse kick to the face. In fact, there are none."
When Chuck Norris played golf for money, chuck marked down a hole in 0 every time, a pro at the golf club, said to Chuck: "excuse me sir, but you cant score zero on a hole". Chuck Norris turned towards the man and said, im Chuck Norris, the man then proceeded to pour gas over his body and set himself on fire because that would be less painful than getting roundhouse kicked by Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked him in the face anyways.
Chuck Norris once tried to wear glasses. The result was him seeing around the world to the point where he was looking at the back of his own head.
Pee Wee Herman got arrested for masturbating in public. The same day, Chuck Norris got an award for masturbating in public.
Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.
Scientists used to believe that diamond was the world’s hardest substance. But then they met Chuck Norris, who gave them a roundhouse kick to the face so hard, and with so much heat and pressure, that the scientists turned into artificial Chuck Norris.
If you want a list of Chuck Norris’ enemies, just check the extinct species list.
Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of spades, and a green number 4 from Uno and a monopoly ‘get out of jail free’ card.
Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don’t be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.
Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker’s real father.
Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.
Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.
When Chuck Norris was born,he punched his way out.Hence the Term "C-Section".
Chuck Norris once threated to sue Burger King because they refused to make it his way. When asked what “his way” detailed, he replied: “with barbed wire and nails, of course”. He then roundhouse kicked the reporter for even asking.
Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive erection. There we no survivors.
When Chuck Norris’s wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, “Don’t worry about it honey,” and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, “Never question Chuck Norris.”
Chuck Norris won 'Jumanji' without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living sh*t out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited.
On June 7th 1994, Chuck Norris entered the same restaurant supermodel Cindy Crawford was eating at. Instinctively, Cindy swept everything off the table, threw herself on it in a fit of lust, and begged Chuck to ravish her. After Chuck finished his beer, he obliged her. When Chuck's magnificent lead sperm cannoned into Cindy's womb it went straight to one of her ovaries and roared, "Which one of you servile wenches thinks you can handle getting split
open by the Chuck!?" All of the eggs cowered in the corner. The same thing happened at the other ovary. "I didn't f*cking think so!" shouted the lead sperm which then lead the rest of the troops back into Chuck's balls. Chuck pulled out; roundhouse kicked Cindy in the face and told her, "Don't ever waste my time again."
Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publicly claimed it was
a meteor, and still owes him a beer.
Chuck Norris got a perfect score on his SAT's, simply by writing Chuck Norris for every answer.
Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.
Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 59 minutes and 59 seconds having sex with his waitress.
After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. It was more "humane".
Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and I. His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the sh*t out of viruses. That's why Chuck Norris never gets ill.
The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. there were no survivors and the pilot episode tape has been burned.
Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed misserably.
Chuck Norris once commented, "There are few problems in this world that cannot be solved by a swift roundhouse kick to the face. In fact, there are none."
When Chuck Norris played golf for money, chuck marked down a hole in 0 every time, a pro at the golf club, said to Chuck: "excuse me sir, but you cant score zero on a hole". Chuck Norris turned towards the man and said, im Chuck Norris, the man then proceeded to pour gas over his body and set himself on fire because that would be less painful than getting roundhouse kicked by Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked him in the face anyways.
Chuck Norris once tried to wear glasses. The result was him seeing around the world to the point where he was looking at the back of his own head.
Pee Wee Herman got arrested for masturbating in public. The same day, Chuck Norris got an award for masturbating in public.
Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.
Scientists used to believe that diamond was the world’s hardest substance. But then they met Chuck Norris, who gave them a roundhouse kick to the face so hard, and with so much heat and pressure, that the scientists turned into artificial Chuck Norris.
If you want a list of Chuck Norris’ enemies, just check the extinct species list.
Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of spades, and a green number 4 from Uno and a monopoly ‘get out of jail free’ card.
Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don’t be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.
Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker’s real father.
Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.
Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.
When Chuck Norris was born,he punched his way out.Hence the Term "C-Section".
Chuck Norris once threated to sue Burger King because they refused to make it his way. When asked what “his way” detailed, he replied: “with barbed wire and nails, of course”. He then roundhouse kicked the reporter for even asking.
Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive erection. There we no survivors.
When Chuck Norris’s wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, “Don’t worry about it honey,” and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, “Never question Chuck Norris.”
Chuck Norris won 'Jumanji' without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living sh*t out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited.
On June 7th 1994, Chuck Norris entered the same restaurant supermodel Cindy Crawford was eating at. Instinctively, Cindy swept everything off the table, threw herself on it in a fit of lust, and begged Chuck to ravish her. After Chuck finished his beer, he obliged her. When Chuck's magnificent lead sperm cannoned into Cindy's womb it went straight to one of her ovaries and roared, "Which one of you servile wenches thinks you can handle getting split
open by the Chuck!?" All of the eggs cowered in the corner. The same thing happened at the other ovary. "I didn't f*cking think so!" shouted the lead sperm which then lead the rest of the troops back into Chuck's balls. Chuck pulled out; roundhouse kicked Cindy in the face and told her, "Don't ever waste my time again."
Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publicly claimed it was
a meteor, and still owes him a beer.
Chuck Norris got a perfect score on his SAT's, simply by writing Chuck Norris for every answer.
Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.
Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 59 minutes and 59 seconds having sex with his waitress.
After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. It was more "humane".
Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and I. His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the sh*t out of viruses. That's why Chuck Norris never gets ill.
The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. there were no survivors and the pilot episode tape has been burned.
Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
I've lost my pieces.
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Lizy The Joker
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Re: Awesome Chuck Norris Jokes
If at first you do not succeed, you are not Chuck Norris.
When Chuck Norris was born, the only person that cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris
Paper beats rock, rock beats scissors and scissors beat paper, but Chuck Norris beats them all at the same timm.
Chuck Norris desroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only knows the element of suprise.
Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. It made him blink.
When you say "No ones perfect", Chcuk norris takes that as a personal insult.
Chuck Norris is the only person in the world that can email a roundhouse kick.
There is no "Ctrl" button on Chuck Norris's keyboard. Chuck Norris is always in control.
Chcuk Norris was an only child...... Eventually.
Chuck Norris supplements his already substanable income buy selling his beard trimmings to the police to use as bullet proof vest.
Chuck Norris dose not age. Each birthday is just another year added to his existence....Which sucks for you.
Chuck Norris dose not read books, he just stares them down till he gets the information he wants.
Chuck Norris has never won a Academy Award for best actor. Because he isn't acting.
*The square root of Chuck Norris is pain. Never try to square Chuck Norris. The result is death.
There is an order to the uneverse, space , time , and Chuck Norris.....Just kidding Chuck Norris comes first.
We don't know if Chuck Norris enjoys a good fight. He's never had one.
Chuck Norris uses a stunt double for the crying scenes.
Chuck Norris's smile once brought a puppy back to life.
Chuck Norris's pulse is measured on the Richter scale.
*Chuck Norris can blow bubbles with beef jerky.
Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. It's decendents today are known as giraffs.
Chuck Norris frequently donates blood. Just never his own.
*Chuck Norris dose not wear a watch. He decides what time it is.
Chuck Norris's hand is the only hand that can beat a royal flush.
*= My fav's
When Chuck Norris was born, the only person that cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris
Paper beats rock, rock beats scissors and scissors beat paper, but Chuck Norris beats them all at the same timm.
Chuck Norris desroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only knows the element of suprise.
Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. It made him blink.
When you say "No ones perfect", Chcuk norris takes that as a personal insult.
Chuck Norris is the only person in the world that can email a roundhouse kick.
There is no "Ctrl" button on Chuck Norris's keyboard. Chuck Norris is always in control.
Chcuk Norris was an only child...... Eventually.
Chuck Norris supplements his already substanable income buy selling his beard trimmings to the police to use as bullet proof vest.
Chuck Norris dose not age. Each birthday is just another year added to his existence....Which sucks for you.
Chuck Norris dose not read books, he just stares them down till he gets the information he wants.
Chuck Norris has never won a Academy Award for best actor. Because he isn't acting.
*The square root of Chuck Norris is pain. Never try to square Chuck Norris. The result is death.
There is an order to the uneverse, space , time , and Chuck Norris.....Just kidding Chuck Norris comes first.
We don't know if Chuck Norris enjoys a good fight. He's never had one.
Chuck Norris uses a stunt double for the crying scenes.
Chuck Norris's smile once brought a puppy back to life.
Chuck Norris's pulse is measured on the Richter scale.
*Chuck Norris can blow bubbles with beef jerky.
Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. It's decendents today are known as giraffs.
Chuck Norris frequently donates blood. Just never his own.
*Chuck Norris dose not wear a watch. He decides what time it is.
Chuck Norris's hand is the only hand that can beat a royal flush.
*= My fav's
Lizy
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Shadowstar1922
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Leprechaun Lukia
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Re: Awesome Chuck Norris Jokes
Zados wrote:
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
Lol I saw this on Family Guy.
"Everyone else gave up on you... but I saw what you could be!"
Re: Awesome Chuck Norris Jokes
So you wanna hear a Chuck Norris fact?
Bruce Lee kicked his ass.
Bruce Lee kicked his ass.
You don't have to be great to get started, but you have to get started to be great.
"Is your refrigerator running? It is?! Well, you better go catch it before it runs away!"
"Is your refrigerator running? It is?! Well, you better go catch it before it runs away!"
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Lamb
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Re: Awesome Chuck Norris Jokes
The Guy wrote:So you wanna hear a Chuck Norris fact?
Bruce Lee kicked his ass.
Fact Chuck Norris Did not get his ass kicked By Bruce Lee,Bruce lee Got Kicked by his Ass..(xD i dont know how to do that little trick)
I've lost my pieces.
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Shadow00
Re: Awesome Chuck Norris Jokes
The Guy wrote:So you wanna hear a Chuck Norris fact?
Bruce Lee kicked his ass.
And died after shooting "way of the dragon".
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Lizy The Joker
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Re: Awesome Chuck Norris Jokes
Chuck Norris dosn't battle, he just allows you to lose.
Chuck Norris's fist's make the speed of light wish it was faster.
Chuck Norris attacks sharks when he smells them bleed.
(Got those from ERB)
Chuck Norris's fist's make the speed of light wish it was faster.
Chuck Norris attacks sharks when he smells them bleed.
(Got those from ERB)
Lizy
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